Torn about the unknown.

Friday I mentioned the pregnancy thoughts that were going through my head, and truly I don't know how other woman keep it together. If there was a possibility of being pregnant how do you wait. Two weeks is not easy to wait on a period or a doctors apt. I have an apt for my daughter to have a check up at the doctors tomorrow, so I was going to go get my blood tested while I was there, figured I needed one weather I was pregnant or not, cause if I get and IUD put back in they will make me get a test. My period is never perfect but I was expecting it to start on the first, which would be Thursday. But I started spotting about an hour ago so it looks like I may not need a test in the morning to confirm any pregnancy.

My thoughts about getting pregnant are really all over the wall. I could write Pros and Cons for both for this time in my life. I was really so set and ready before my husband had his freak out a few months back, and even up until him coming home I would have still been ok with it, sorta... didn't really think much about it while he was home. It still seems that I am so on the fence. Having one now could be nice, finish having kids and raise our family, get rid of the baby stuff, no more waiting. Having one now also means still taking things slow, no camping or long vacations, no Disney World. Not having one gives us some more time to learn about the kids we already have and spend some time with them before another one comes along, that I have to say is the one thing I like the best, just having more one on one time with them. What I don't like is the uncertainty of when we would have another, I didn't want to wait long, and I didn't want to give up the idea of having no more. I like the idea of having them out of the house close to Weston's retirement. I think I am a little afraid that if we put it on pause we may not know when to press the play button again. I may have been more comforted by knowing God was in control even during a pregnancy I was unsure about, then giving up all control about when to have another. When will I learn or at least remember that I am never in control but God always has my best in mind.

¹⁴....And who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion? Esther 4:14b

I may not know the reason God has me in any one place, But I know I am there for a good reason, and he made me just for this time.