Before this one year deployment took place, I had a lot of opinions and most of them were judgmental and rude. Looking back so much has happened since August, at times it seems that the time has gone fast but in those times of heart ache and despair, guilt and anger, loneliness and frustration, it was the slowest time of my life! I love my husband so much and there are times when you don't really have any words to say but you just need them. Earlier in the deployment that was all I wanted, the emotional fulfillment that my husband gave me, but because he wasn't around I wasn't able to get it. At first I noticed how I was feeling and realized that I had a hard time just standing next to other men, then I was enjoying any flattery I could get. I think sub consciencely I sought it from men around me. No biggy really, just someone to laugh at a joke or smile at me, maybe tell me I looked nice in my Sunday best. This later became very destructive emotionally for me. Anytime I got attention from a guy it felt so good. I soon started talking to an old friend, that was just there for me emotionally, as time passed I had to cut off a friendship because I was relying on someone other then my husband, the man who God put there to be my helpmate, but was currently unavailable. I put my trust and emotions on someone else that should have never carried my burdens. I felt that I broke a bond and trust with the only man that should ever hold my heart. Though I have asked for forgiveness I still felt guilt for opening my heart to someone else.
I could not understand how some woman could have affaires with men and say it met nothing while there husbands were gone and not expect some kind of pain to come from it. I have seen many affaires through the military, and they are all painful, I just never understood how if you love someone you could do that. I want to make this very clear. I DID NOT have an affair!! but I understand the emotional thoughts behind it. When your husband is gone for a year, crazy things go through your mind and body. It is hard to explain, but it is just pure pain! everyone handles it different, and I think my emotions are all out and about, flying scattered about with no real path or understand about which way is up.
I dont know if you will get or understand where I am coming from, but truthfully it wasn't for you that I wrote this.