Monday, June 27, 2011

My Emotions. Taken slightly different then I thought it would.

I really try to keep a routine so that things get done around my house and I don't become a lazy bum. This morning I was making the kids breakfast when I remembered a dream I would have rather have forgotten. It made my morning a little rough and more emotional then I had hoped. I try and go to the gym 3 days a week. I find that it makes my over all well being much better. But there are times that when in a highly emotional state, I feel like crying when on the treadmill, which is not something I really want to do. It has only been 10 days since my husband left to go back to Iraq, and I miss him so much. Life with kids needs to feel normal, and it does, this is a routine I have had for 10 months so not much has changed. But I am a woman with emotional needs that are not getting feed!

Before this one year deployment took place, I had a lot of opinions and most of them were judgmental and rude. Looking back so much has happened since August, at times it seems that the time has gone fast but in those times of heart ache and despair, guilt and anger, loneliness and frustration, it was the slowest time of my life! I love my husband so much and there are times when you don't really have any words to say but you just need them. Earlier in the deployment that was all I wanted, the emotional fulfillment that my husband gave me, but because he wasn't around I wasn't able to get it. At first I noticed how I was feeling and realized that I had a hard time just standing next to other men, then I was enjoying any flattery I could get. I think sub consciencely I sought it from men around me. No biggy really, just someone to laugh at a joke or smile at me, maybe tell me I looked nice in my Sunday best. This later became very destructive emotionally for me. Anytime I got attention from a guy it felt so good. I soon started talking to an old friend, that was just there for me emotionally, as time passed I had to cut off a friendship because I was relying on someone other then my husband, the man who God put there to be my helpmate, but was currently unavailable. I put my trust and emotions on someone else that should have never carried my burdens. I felt that I broke a bond and trust with the only man that should ever hold my heart. Though I have asked for forgiveness I still felt guilt for opening my heart to someone else.

I could not understand how some woman could have affaires with men and say it met nothing while there husbands were gone and not expect some kind of pain to come from it. I have seen many affaires through the military, and they are all painful, I just never understood how if you love someone you could do that. I want to make this very clear. I DID NOT have an affair!! but I understand the emotional thoughts behind it. When your husband is gone for a year, crazy things go through your mind and body. It is hard to explain, but it is just pure pain! everyone handles it different, and I think my emotions are all out and about, flying scattered about with no real path or understand about which way is up.

I dont know if you will get or understand where I am coming from, but truthfully it wasn't for you that I wrote this.


  1. Why did you delete your comment? Yes, guess it felt good to get out. but there was no hidden reason for posting it. no one that reads this knows who I am talking about. have you ever wanted to say something to someone, but then take it back? you just wanted to say it to there face, but not say it to them at the same time... do you get it. that was kinda what this was for me. often for me if something is bothering me writing it out helps.

  2. As in, you wanted to tell people you know about this story but couldn't? Or you wanted Wes to know but didn't want to say it?

  3. I find it easier sometimes to get things out with words then to speak them. Even though I love to talk I am not an eloquent speaker. Weston knows I had a hard time, not sure if he really understood how hard, but I put it up also to show that i know I am not the only one that gets these feelings. there were times I felt alone, but I knew inside many others have felt this way too. it can be easier to tell a stranger something then then your own best friend sometimes, you don't want them to look at you different.


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