I told you about the Women's study I started. Well if you looked in my book you could definitely tell I was enjoying it. I have underlined, written in the margin, circled and stared large sections on pages, and I am only on page 40 now.
"Most military spouses start their deployments with great intentions. We do our best to adapt to the new normal. We learn to do things on our own. We go to church by ourselves, and we try to do the best of celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions by the light of the webcam.Others tell us to stay busy and we do. We work. We volunteer. We run the kids from one activity to the next. But eventually the busyness stops and gets harder to keep a positive attitude."
Chapter 2 Walking on water.
Though a majority of this deployment I can really relate to this paragraph above. Thankfully shortly after my son stopped school for the summer was my husbands R&R. But since he left from that I have felt... mostly in the gutter.
When Weston left, I was really busy. Glenn to school, the gym, PWOC, Sunday night bible study, naps, play times and cleaning. I was also able to talk to Weston pretty much every day for long periods of time. I went through up and downs, but I don't think it really hit me until christmas time. I drove up to NC to spend Christmas with some friends. Christmas eve I had left my Cell phone charger in the car. I didn't feel like going out to get it right away so it died. before bed I got it and charged it while leaving it down stairs. Christmas morning came, I went down to look at it and had just missed a call from him. With further inspection I had found out I had missed 16 calls from him. I knew this wasn't good. He called a few min later and was terribly upset, I could say almost irate. I felt awful. I was a harmless mistake by missing his calls, I didn't hear the phone ring. But he didn't see it that way. He thought I was ignoring him. At first he thought I was mad at him, then later in a voice mail I heard his anger. He just wanted to hear from his family on Christmas morning and he couldn't get through. Hearing his voice made my heart break. It was the first time I think he also realized I wasn't putting my life on hold for him. I was trying to keep busy and happy, ignoring the fact that I wasn't able to spend the holidays with my husband as a happy family.
Since the begining of his departure, I would say about a month into it. I felt very alone. Something that the devil falsely pushes on us spouses. We are far from alone, but we don't open our eyes look around or ask for help, let alone talk to someone else going through the same thing. Other wise we would realize they feel the same way. Over and over I have been told "You are not alone!!" Has it stuck? No. Sad, right? And yet again in my study I read it again. (There are so many things in this book I would love to share but that would be too much typing)
Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does. 1 Peter 5:8-11 The message bible.
This verse above reminded me that I am not the only one in the world with those feelings and thoughts. Another of the "I am not alone" in the face feelings.