Monday, August 15, 2011

The article I wrote for FYI magazine.

A year ago this month, I was facing one of the biggest challenges in my life thus far. You were leaving on a on year long deployment. We knew this day would come when we got orders to come here. But it just came so fast. I didn't think about all the training that would take place. The 2 weeks here, or the 2 months there. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with you, but I kept my mouth shut and dealt with it. This wasn't our first time with you leaving us, but I was sure it wasn't going to be easy for the kids to understand. As time got closer I did my best to keep myself open and emotionally there for you, I couldn't shut myself off to you as I had in the past before deployments. I remember thinking that whole month, “I will be fine, it will be the kids that will have a hard time, I am ok, I can handle this.”

As the day came for you to leave, I don't think I was all there. I didn't know what this year would throw at me! In the beginning It wasn't so bad, we kept so busy with school, birthday parties, friends, church, and play time at the park. I soon got the feeling of being very alone. I didn't get touched, I didn't have very many adult conversations, and I seemed to keep to myself because of feeling alone, but I covered it up with all the activities I filled my weeks with. Surprisingly I look back, and some would say I had it pretty well, you being able to call most days and all the support I had, but didn't take advantage of, you'd think I would have done better.

Finally in November while attending a huge Christian woman's conference I broke down and gave my pain to God. He reminded me the love he has for me, and that no matter where we go, He is always there in my heart. I hope I never forget the feeling that I felt as He reminded me of that. As a little girl whenever I was afraid or felt alone at night I would pray for His comfort and picture He and I in this big open field with wild flowers just walking around picking them. But this time I prayed and would picture me as a woman walking with her best friend and protector. I am not sure I have words to describe the love I felt inside, the comfort that gave me on nights I felt alone in bed or on days one of the kids got sick or when things just didn't seem to go right that day.

And though now, months later I can't say life was perfect, (far from it) I can say that during those days or weeks I would get down and feel attacked, having that image in my mind seemed to help me from falling into a deep pit of dispare. It was my life line to hold on to and help me to take another step each day as I choose to continue on towards a life with God and a wonderful husband and family, instead of depression and sadness that could hurt my marriage and family. This year has now come to an end and I am so happy to say God is bringing you, my wonderful husband home to me tomorrow morning. God has givin me the best blessing, to see your face and being able to feel your arms rapped around me. I love you so much.

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