Saturday, July 30, 2011

In the midst of darkness.

As you may have noticed I haven't been around much. My mind has been consumed with a million things this last few weeks. I am trying to be patient as I wait for the arrival of my husband. But in the mean time I have felt an overwhelming amount of sadness, anger, frustration and anxiousness. Mix them all together and that is one big stress shadow that goes everywhere with me.

There are are few things I have found out about myself during this last year. Like I find myself quitting things because I have no motivation. Two I don't ask for help so I have no time for myself, Bad thing to do to ones self. If I don't have plans, it is live each day as it comes, and with kids, that isn't always so good.

I attended PWOC fall, winter, and spring. But during the summer with no child care I haven't been. I knew that before summer came I would have to keep my time with Christ a priority other wise I would slip and hurt my... well everything. I can now look back and tell you I did a terrible job of that. I can actually tell you when my devotions started taking last place in my life. When my daughter stopped napping! Right around 2.5 years old she no longer took naps, which made this year alone much harder. I am not a faker, but I can tell you I wasn't myself, I likely made my life look better to others then it really was. Going to church once a week wasn't doing it, and though I new all the right things I should be doing somehow it just wasn't on the for front of my mind to do them.

Recently, with the impending arrival of my husband, I felt a flood of emotions. I was so excited that it was finally "soon". Then the next day like a ton of bricks, I wigged out. I was scared. What was to come? How had we changed and would we be OK? Will we fill like a family still? Was he OK? How would he be around our kids, when he wasn't used to having them around? So many things suddenly, like never before, took control of my mind and I cried. Why wasn't I more happy about this? Why wasn't I jumping for joy? Well let me tell you what I finally came back too. About a week ago I was cleaning out a book shelf and found a book excerpt from a book called 'Tour of Duty' by Sara Horn. I reread this short first chapter and wondered why I hadn't picked it up sooner. I talked to a friend who said she would do this book with me. So a few days later I was out getting two books. From the moment I started (three days ago) I felt so connected to what she was saying, I understood just what she meant, and all the verses touched me on such a deep level, I felt like... Why didn't I do this months ago. The verses below are what I have been leaning on for strength the last couple days, and I am sure will continue to use as my family comes back together and we find a balance. I am feeling better, and am glad I choose to do this even if I feel like it is way over due. God has it all planed out anyway right? So there is a reason to every season. That is my prayer tonight, and someday I will find out how I grew from this year.

The Lord is my light and my salvation, Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 27:1

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and sound mind!

2 Timothy 1:7

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

John 14:27

Watch, Stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong!

1 Corinthians 16:13

We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed, we are perplexed, but not in despair, Persecuted, but not forsaken, struck down, but not destroyed!

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Therefor submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you!

James 4:7

I will try to keep you updated on my study in this book. I have loved every minute of it thus far. If your interested here is her site. She has also written a couple other books as well.

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