Thursday, September 27, 2012

Another year older another year gone.

Last week was my 27th birthday. Up until about 4 months ago I was still feeling like the 19 year old that got married to her best friend. I only remember once when I looked into the mirror and realized,  I have two kids, my body has changed and I think I have started to see the skin on my chin get just a little lower then it used to be.

I have moved 5 times since graduating high school. I have left tons of friends behind and feel that many of them have stayed there. It is heart breaking at times, when I feel alone and crushed by life and all I want is one of my best girls by my side, and they are no where to be found. I understand it is a two way street but how hard is it to seem interested? More then just FB too. Do I not get wedding invites because I live so far away, or is because you don't consider me that close of a friend?

I switched high school half way between my junior year. Not one person called me from the school I left. No one wondering where I had gone. Did anyone think, "where was that girl that I went to school with for the last 4 years". I thought that someone would call to ask, but no. I thought even after graduating from a small school where I had made some amazing friends, even if it was just the last two years of school, we would stay in touch better. Once I saw some friends from the school I left at the movie theater, the girls just looked at me like I was an outcast. I was really hurt. They say high school is the best years of your life, I don't know who made up that lie, but I will never tell my kids that.

You know where you have friends that are always there for you, let you talk and vent about everything, then there are those who you are that for? Well after looking at some of my (what I thought my) closest friends I realize after all the years, there is one girl friend that our friendship goes both ways. I just wish we weren't 1500 miles from each other right now. It breaks my heart that those girls that stood next to me at the alter have moved on and with out me. It is nice to see them while we are home, but I am pretty sure it will never be the same.

My husband wants to move back to our home town after he gets out of the Army, in about 10 years. I think it sounds like a dead end. As much as I love Oregon I don't want to go back where everything is changed and no one knows my name, it would be like going to an alternate world where it looks the same but your memories are no where to be found.

Honestly, it isn't like I am the same person either, but I still crave for those friends who stick by me and know who I am. When you move so much it is really hard to make friends, and this time around I feel like it is getting harder. I could also be holding back, feeling a little hardened from all these moves and all these friends coming and going. When you make them, you eventually have to move, and rarely are they that one friend who is going to stick around even after you move. God has put some amazing people in my life, I just wish they were a little closer. Maybe that is why I hang onto my hubby so tight.  

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