Busy week?!

Has it really been a busy week? Well it sure feels like it. Not sure how much has really got done though. I have been staying up way to late to edit some pictures I took of my wonderful friends. Come check them out. (This is why I haven't wrote on my blog in a few days.)

Home canning

Last Wednesday I attended a Ball canning home party. I had been wanting to learn to can for about 6 months now, it just seemed like a neat thing to start. I had been put it off because it seem overwhelming and intemadating. Well after this party I felt like I could do it, it wasn't to hard. So I used the coupons I had to buy the jars and I also bought a large pot. I followed the instructions ..... and ta da! home made Strawberry Margarita Jam.

This was the one we made at the party last week, we ate it while we waited for the cans in the water bath. If you live near me, I will be having a canning party possibly in August, so let me know if you want to come.

Food Revolution!!!

Something I believe in!!!

A better reason to write,

I need to find a topic or passion that can go along with my blogging. Because otherwise All you may find are the sad journal entries of a lonely woman. After I asked this question on my FB page,

"Why do I have a blog if everyone I know already reads my FB posts?" My friend replied this,

"Lol? To keep your brain straight! And cause Facebook posts disappear eventually so if you want to see what you wrote on January 5 you need to look in your blog "aka: public diary" lol"

I like what she said, aka: public diary. well in a way that is so true. but not so good either, the only time I find that I write in a diary is when I need to vent and get something off my chest, usually so I can go to bed. But who wants to hear the sad moans of my tired day? Not very many people. I was clicking through the blogs at the top of the page yesterday when I came across a very sad blog. Many blogs have been set up but haven't been touched in months or even years, this young ladies last blog was about a year ago. She sounded so depressed and sad, no one seemed to love or help her. I was worried about her just reading her posts. www.kissesfromgod.blogspot.com in case your curious, but reading her page made me think, as much as I would like people to see me, I want to give something more and not be a cause for concern. There are many things I love, so I will try and share them more. Also note that when my husband returns I doubt my posts will be as often.

For those of you that read my thoughts, please let me know your out there.

Did you know that it is only the 30th? Who knew!!!

I didn't, I swore it was the 1 of July. We get paid on the 1, so I had plans to get a few things taken care while I was out. I kept seeing signs for the 30th, but it didn't click, I thought 'man why are they all wrong? That is so weird.' Then finally I checked my phone and it said it was only the 30th, I was so bummed. Oh well I should be home taking care of Erica anyway.

Anembryonic Gestation. (kind of descriptive, so you know)

Anembryonic Gestation, a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. A term used before four weeks of pregnancy. This is what happened to my body last night. (Of course I am not 100% sure of this, I did not have my HGC levels checked, but I am fairly certain) A loss of pregnancy will usually happen near one would have her cycle, so it may not seem out of the ordinary, it is very heavy blood flow, and may have worse cramps then normal. I had all of the above, plus it has been very clotty flow. Those were my physical shows of what was happening. Have you ever had a very uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach that just made you ache and worry? Well I had that feeling most of yesterday, I never really know what to do with that feeling, but when I remember I pray. I was out last night, and was on my way home about 9 when that feeling came back. I noticed the spotting had started when I got home.

How do I feel about this? Well if you had read any of my other posts, you would know I was kinda unsure about getting pregnant right now anyway, So this morning I thought maybe it was a good thing that it happened now, so I wouldn't be so sad about not being pregnant. But once I returned home I had time to think about it, and I was sad. The fact that I believe that that was the begining of a child, and that made me pregnant, even if only two weeks along, (from conception, 4 by a dr. calendar.) that made me cry. If I wasn't pregnant at all that would have been different, I would not have missed or lost anything.

I have seen and heard of so many woman going through tough pregnancies over the last two years that it makes me think a lot, over many different things. One thing I have been trying to do is make sure I pray anytime it comes to mind. For my friends who are pregnant, for pregnant woman I don't know, and for myself, so that we are healthy as well as our babies, now or in the future.

Anyway.... till text time and hopefully on a happier note!

Torn about the unknown.

Friday I mentioned the pregnancy thoughts that were going through my head, and truly I don't know how other woman keep it together. If there was a possibility of being pregnant how do you wait. Two weeks is not easy to wait on a period or a doctors apt. I have an apt for my daughter to have a check up at the doctors tomorrow, so I was going to go get my blood tested while I was there, figured I needed one weather I was pregnant or not, cause if I get and IUD put back in they will make me get a test. My period is never perfect but I was expecting it to start on the first, which would be Thursday. But I started spotting about an hour ago so it looks like I may not need a test in the morning to confirm any pregnancy.

My thoughts about getting pregnant are really all over the wall. I could write Pros and Cons for both for this time in my life. I was really so set and ready before my husband had his freak out a few months back, and even up until him coming home I would have still been ok with it, sorta... didn't really think much about it while he was home. It still seems that I am so on the fence. Having one now could be nice, finish having kids and raise our family, get rid of the baby stuff, no more waiting. Having one now also means still taking things slow, no camping or long vacations, no Disney World. Not having one gives us some more time to learn about the kids we already have and spend some time with them before another one comes along, that I have to say is the one thing I like the best, just having more one on one time with them. What I don't like is the uncertainty of when we would have another, I didn't want to wait long, and I didn't want to give up the idea of having no more. I like the idea of having them out of the house close to Weston's retirement. I think I am a little afraid that if we put it on pause we may not know when to press the play button again. I may have been more comforted by knowing God was in control even during a pregnancy I was unsure about, then giving up all control about when to have another. When will I learn or at least remember that I am never in control but God always has my best in mind.

¹⁴....And who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion? Esther 4:14b

I may not know the reason God has me in any one place, But I know I am there for a good reason, and he made me just for this time.

Ever wish you lived in a different decade?

There are many times I wish I lived in the 50's. On days like this,

When I have a child that most of the day nothing makes her happy for long, I wish I lived in a time when disciplining your children was not the ruling of the courts, and kids ate the food placed in front of them. Kids listened to there parents and knew when to keep quite.
I can see some saying, 'what about all your rights now as a woman' or 'what about all the technology' and etc,etc,etc.... Well, I am a stay at home, who likes it this way. Honestly I feel that I get less of a chance at life some times because everyone and their mother can hop on a computer and get this, do that,and or learn to do that. I would prefer my life to be more simplistic, I don't like it being so over whelmed with computers, cell phone, TV's, Ipod, etc. I think that this generation is to "now, gimme, gimme, gimme." and they can't just wait 5 minutes to make a PB&J sandwich, it has to be done NOW! that is why I think Erica likes peanut butter on a poon, (spoon).

(this is how I wish I was today)

Not really sure how this helps but it was cute.

My Emotions. Taken slightly different then I thought it would.

I really try to keep a routine so that things get done around my house and I don't become a lazy bum. This morning I was making the kids breakfast when I remembered a dream I would have rather have forgotten. It made my morning a little rough and more emotional then I had hoped. I try and go to the gym 3 days a week. I find that it makes my over all well being much better. But there are times that when in a highly emotional state, I feel like crying when on the treadmill, which is not something I really want to do. It has only been 10 days since my husband left to go back to Iraq, and I miss him so much. Life with kids needs to feel normal, and it does, this is a routine I have had for 10 months so not much has changed. But I am a woman with emotional needs that are not getting feed!

Before this one year deployment took place, I had a lot of opinions and most of them were judgmental and rude. Looking back so much has happened since August, at times it seems that the time has gone fast but in those times of heart ache and despair, guilt and anger, loneliness and frustration, it was the slowest time of my life! I love my husband so much and there are times when you don't really have any words to say but you just need them. Earlier in the deployment that was all I wanted, the emotional fulfillment that my husband gave me, but because he wasn't around I wasn't able to get it. At first I noticed how I was feeling and realized that I had a hard time just standing next to other men, then I was enjoying any flattery I could get. I think sub consciencely I sought it from men around me. No biggy really, just someone to laugh at a joke or smile at me, maybe tell me I looked nice in my Sunday best. This later became very destructive emotionally for me. Anytime I got attention from a guy it felt so good. I soon started talking to an old friend, that was just there for me emotionally, as time passed I had to cut off a friendship because I was relying on someone other then my husband, the man who God put there to be my helpmate, but was currently unavailable. I put my trust and emotions on someone else that should have never carried my burdens. I felt that I broke a bond and trust with the only man that should ever hold my heart. Though I have asked for forgiveness I still felt guilt for opening my heart to someone else.

I could not understand how some woman could have affaires with men and say it met nothing while there husbands were gone and not expect some kind of pain to come from it. I have seen many affaires through the military, and they are all painful, I just never understood how if you love someone you could do that. I want to make this very clear. I DID NOT have an affair!! but I understand the emotional thoughts behind it. When your husband is gone for a year, crazy things go through your mind and body. It is hard to explain, but it is just pure pain! everyone handles it different, and I think my emotions are all out and about, flying scattered about with no real path or understand about which way is up.

I dont know if you will get or understand where I am coming from, but truthfully it wasn't for you that I wrote this.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

I love this song and wanted to share it with you. Every time I hear it I can just see this amazing dance on a dim lit stage, I really enjoy listening to her.